Discouraging

Something about job-hunting has the ability to make me feel like a total loser. I think it is set up that way, to break you so you will finally accept whatever Baskin Robbins job comes along and be grateful...

A year ago, the company I worked as editor for started having a difficult time; last October I was finally officially laid off. That was hard to process, because I had thought it was the beginning of a really enjoyable career, and then it ended after just a year.

I started freelancing, which scared the crud out of me because it required being okay with instability, okay with not having all of the control all of the time. I began to think that God wanted me in that spot, however, because things started falling into place: I kept getting encouragement, work, and affirmations such as Vinnie wanting me to work as a subcontracting editor for Declaration Editing.

However, working at home is not exactly chicken soup for the soul. I am so lonely! I don't feel like I can have people come over or talk on the phone (not that I EVER really wanted to talk on the phone anyway), because I can't exactly bill clients for time I have spent socializing. So I spend all day all by myself, feeling bored. It is a little better when I get out and have work dates with fellow freelancers or friends, but it really doesn't solve the problem--I crave regular interaction, a routine.

I have finally thought, okay, it's time to get an outside-the-home job. Especially since I have also kind of had it with the financial instability. I have been blessed with a few good months, but I am starting to see some gaping gaps in my pipeline--in fact, I don't quite know what I will do tomorrow! Or next week! To add to the financial pressure, our tenant has announced that he is moving out. In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to rent out the basement again--our toddler-equipped family could use the space and the relaxation of not worrying about Selah making lots of noise, etc.

It turns out that jobs are even more few and far-between than I thought! I don't feel that picky; while I want a publishing job again, those are pretty scarce, and I would be more than happy doing slightly less interesting work in a more exhilarating atmosphere (read: any atmosphere). I have already had high hopes for a couple and then not gotten them, which is discouraging. I have my masters, 3 years of editing and writing experience, and yet I feel like I am trying to get an engineer's job with a junior-high diploma or something. Now that I actually have a field, I don't feel I should just cop out and get a really stupid job like I would have five years ago, last time I was in complete misery over a job-hunt.

I don't know if this is supposed to be some kind of sign, or if it's just that life is not easy. It doesn't help that Selah's been nastier than anything (I think she's sick), and that this blasted rain will not stop! It makes me kind of want to be a kid again, looking forward to summer vacation and Mom's reassurances that everything would be fine...