I have reached the end of a long week, though a good week. I feel weary, as I always do on Friday, and always have whenever I am working relatively full-time. It probably doesn't help that I biked to and from work today, and on the way back towed what felt like approximately 983 pounds in my bike trailer (Selah, my laptop, a bag full of stuff I probably didn't need from the Goodwill, plus my bike tires are getting flat and it was windy in the wrong direction). I am very happy that it is the weekend! Jeremy has been so sick all week that it feels terrible watching him try to slog off to work each morning, and now we can relax, play, and voluntarily work!
Warning: No matter who you are, you will probably hate the rest of this blog, either because you think I am watering things down, or because you think I'm a judgmental jerk. So maybe you shouldn't read it. :)
Last night I feared I deeply offended someone by talking about my faith. I went to happy hour with two friends who aren't exactly work friends, but are people I know through work and WiPP. (Hey! I just figured out how to insert links in my blog! I know, I know, you are probably thinking that any moron can figure out how to do that. But if you are, shut up.) Anyway, we got to talking, and the topic went to gay marriage, and I expressed that I voted against that proposition that outlawed it back when, which is how we ended up at Imago--it's a long story; if you don't know it, we will tell you. It does involve an amusing dash out the back door of another tiny church and us driving away with tires squealing while nice old ladies looked out the window at us in confusion. One of the women with me expressed that that's why she can stay Catholic--the church she very occasionally attends told them they can believe whatever they want, or something to that effect. So the woman I may have offended (who won't marry her life partner because there are people in this country who can't have that privilege) asked, "So, as someone who doesn't subscribe to any organized religion, do you mind if I ask if your churches are like that, are they really Catholic/christian/what they say they are?"
So I launched into my spiel about theological conservatism with social liberalism, yada yada yada, and I don't think she liked it. At all. And I kind of get that, because there are lots of things in the Bible I struggle with myself. I don't have a hard time believing that people are born gay. I can believe that the Edenic way of life involved a man and a woman, since, well, look at our physiology. Tab A, slot B--if you don't catch my drift, talk to your mom. I also believe this is a fallen world, and people are born all kinds of ways that are hard for them. I am really really lucky, for no particular reason--I am a white, protestant, heterosexual, English-speaking American, raised in a well-off, educated family. All I'd have to be to is male to be sitting pretty on top of a giant glass ceiling. I do know that the Bible just doesn't seem to have a lot of room for being gay. I don't know why. I somehow hope that we are wrong, that we are misinterpreting something. It is easy to find reasonable and educated articles online to this effect.
I do know this, however: whether you consider it A-OK, you are unsure, or you think that a gay lifestyle is a sin, there is no way you can tell me that it somehow disqualifies a person from having a relationship with God and a place in the church. I am definitely a sinner myself. I don't even want to tell you how much. Especially not since I can't quite remember who I have told about this blog. I still get to love God though, to follow Him, and even to hold a respectable place in my church and society. I would rather see someone in a gay, monogamous relationship than out there doing something that clearly injures other people or brings tremendous shame to Christianity--like killing people overseas and pretending God's on our side. This might all be pissing off some of you people out there, but that's okay--I feel pretty firm in my convictions. I am not saying that the Bible says one can do whatever one pleases. It doesn't. I also know, however, that we had better think twice before casting someone out for one kind of behavior we don't agree with, but freely behave however we want, and be silent friends of others who do the same.
Anyway, I hope that my friend understood I wasn't trying to make a judgmental statement of any kind. I also don't want to lie about or alter my convictions. It would be easy to do so, and I didn't grow up in an environment that was particularly supportive of them, but I need to, in my growing as a person, stand up for what I believe, and yet examine myself, and be certain that my beliefs are not contrary to the nature of the very God I know.
Okay, end of rant. I don't know why this issue has been on my heart for a long time, but I honestly feel as though God wants me to be involved in it. I don't know what that means, quite frankly.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Ode to Emily
I got Emily my freshman year of college. I was living in the dorms at the time, so was not looking for a pet to adopt. However, an unkempt youth with a guitar and a box full of kittens got my attention, and the teeny kitties won my heart.
Emily lived in my dorm for a week (much to the delight of everyone on my floor), then stayed with my parents until I lived in an apartment the next year. She learned to be a hardy cat, and would sit in the middle of a living room when a crowd of college students would pour in, bang around and shout, and then would leave. One of my roommates persisted in feeding her bacon even though she wasn't allowed table scraps, and another called her "Killy." (long story.) She drove up and down the state of California with me whenever I went on vacation, riding on the back of the bench seat in my pickup truck. When I got another kitten at the end of college, she took it well.
She came with me to law school, and left with me, moving back into my parents' house. She has seen me through breakups, changing jobs, and nine years. When I got married, she would come and find me whenever the tumultuous life of a newlywed made me sad, hurt, or something else fairly silly, and would snuggle me while I cried.
Emily moved up to Portland with us, and tried to understand why I didn't want to hold her when I was so nauseated from being pregnant. She hasn't left us yet, which I always joke I expect--she tolerated Selah from the beginning, and now will even sometimes rub against her (okay, and sometimes nip at her or scratch).
Emily has cancer; she has a huge tumor in her shoulder's bones. It may be because of a low-cost vaccination clinic we brought her to last year instead of going to the more expensive vet. Apparently leukemia and rabies vaccines have aluminum in them, which may be why they occasionally cause cancer. Reputable vets vaccinate the hind leg, which can be amputated if a tumor grows, and do not give all cats all vaccinations. The clinics at Petco, etc., shoot the animals in the neck skin, which is faster, but a tumor is much more difficult to remove from this area. My vet also said she probably would not have given an older cat a vaccine for leukemia, because they are less likely to get it unless they fight often, and the vaccination carries a higher risk. Do not bring your pets to these clinics.
I am really sad about my kitty. I will know by next week which particular kind of sarcoma she has--caused by the vaccination or not. Either way, the tumor would have to be removed by a fairly major surgery. One producer of the vaccine is fairly helpful as far as helping to treat the animals who develop the cancer; the other is not, The surgery costs thousands of dollars.
Emily lived in my dorm for a week (much to the delight of everyone on my floor), then stayed with my parents until I lived in an apartment the next year. She learned to be a hardy cat, and would sit in the middle of a living room when a crowd of college students would pour in, bang around and shout, and then would leave. One of my roommates persisted in feeding her bacon even though she wasn't allowed table scraps, and another called her "Killy." (long story.) She drove up and down the state of California with me whenever I went on vacation, riding on the back of the bench seat in my pickup truck. When I got another kitten at the end of college, she took it well.
She came with me to law school, and left with me, moving back into my parents' house. She has seen me through breakups, changing jobs, and nine years. When I got married, she would come and find me whenever the tumultuous life of a newlywed made me sad, hurt, or something else fairly silly, and would snuggle me while I cried.
Emily moved up to Portland with us, and tried to understand why I didn't want to hold her when I was so nauseated from being pregnant. She hasn't left us yet, which I always joke I expect--she tolerated Selah from the beginning, and now will even sometimes rub against her (okay, and sometimes nip at her or scratch).
Emily has cancer; she has a huge tumor in her shoulder's bones. It may be because of a low-cost vaccination clinic we brought her to last year instead of going to the more expensive vet. Apparently leukemia and rabies vaccines have aluminum in them, which may be why they occasionally cause cancer. Reputable vets vaccinate the hind leg, which can be amputated if a tumor grows, and do not give all cats all vaccinations. The clinics at Petco, etc., shoot the animals in the neck skin, which is faster, but a tumor is much more difficult to remove from this area. My vet also said she probably would not have given an older cat a vaccine for leukemia, because they are less likely to get it unless they fight often, and the vaccination carries a higher risk. Do not bring your pets to these clinics.
I am really sad about my kitty. I will know by next week which particular kind of sarcoma she has--caused by the vaccination or not. Either way, the tumor would have to be removed by a fairly major surgery. One producer of the vaccine is fairly helpful as far as helping to treat the animals who develop the cancer; the other is not, The surgery costs thousands of dollars.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
A Bad Week for Kitties
First story: Emily, of biting fame, has a huge lump on her shoulder. We just discovered it last week, while my parents were visiting, and really couldn't tell if it has been there for a long time or if it just cropped up. I am taking her to the vet tomorrow, and I want them to tell me that it is both non-life-threatening and cheap to fix! She has been my kitty since freshman year of college, and understands me like no one else does (sorry, Jeremy--you're next).
Next story: This lovely, four-month-old, tabby kitten has been hanging around my work, Ink & Paper Group, for about a week. At first we responded to a lost kitten ad regarding him, but it turns out that he lives nearby, had already been found, but is just allowed to go outside. He is completely goofy, with huge paws, ears, and a long tail, which hint that he means to grow into quite a large kee. Everyone became smitten with him, and we let him wander around the I&P house, sleeping under people's desks, etc.
Monday, Linda was walking me out to my car to help me with Selah, and Purrsley (his name. I know.) darted after us. Perhaps this is totally foreseeable, what is coming, but we obviously didn't foresee it. He darted into the street while I was strapping Selah in, and I heard Linda scream, and saw him doing this horrible, sideways run, and he ran away, leaving his mangled collar in the road. Nobody could find him, and I left work feeling sick to my stomach, frowning through the foreboding clouds, and thinking that life sucks.
Thankfully, Linda came back at 8PM, and found him, injured but alive. She took him to the cat emergency room, and they pronounced that his bones, etc., are all intact. He slept all day yesterday, and today seemed more alert, and hungry--but a bad smell seems to be emanating from his injured mouth, which worries all of us. Linda and I passed out fliers for his owners to find yesterday, but they don't seem overly concerned about him, since they didn't even try her home phone number, listed on the flier, but just left a message at the office.
This kitty needs further care, and I am so afraid he will get infected and die or something. It is bad enough that Linda has had to foot his vet bill this far. Linda's preteen daughter has fallen in love with the kitten, and declares passionately that his family doesn't DESERVE to have him! We all discuss this in a distanced tone, pretending to think she is a poor, sensitive child, who may be hurt by loving this cat, when really we all feel exactly the same . . .
Pray for my kitties. Our little furry friends have always held such a soft place in my heart.
Next story: This lovely, four-month-old, tabby kitten has been hanging around my work, Ink & Paper Group, for about a week. At first we responded to a lost kitten ad regarding him, but it turns out that he lives nearby, had already been found, but is just allowed to go outside. He is completely goofy, with huge paws, ears, and a long tail, which hint that he means to grow into quite a large kee. Everyone became smitten with him, and we let him wander around the I&P house, sleeping under people's desks, etc.
Monday, Linda was walking me out to my car to help me with Selah, and Purrsley (his name. I know.) darted after us. Perhaps this is totally foreseeable, what is coming, but we obviously didn't foresee it. He darted into the street while I was strapping Selah in, and I heard Linda scream, and saw him doing this horrible, sideways run, and he ran away, leaving his mangled collar in the road. Nobody could find him, and I left work feeling sick to my stomach, frowning through the foreboding clouds, and thinking that life sucks.
Thankfully, Linda came back at 8PM, and found him, injured but alive. She took him to the cat emergency room, and they pronounced that his bones, etc., are all intact. He slept all day yesterday, and today seemed more alert, and hungry--but a bad smell seems to be emanating from his injured mouth, which worries all of us. Linda and I passed out fliers for his owners to find yesterday, but they don't seem overly concerned about him, since they didn't even try her home phone number, listed on the flier, but just left a message at the office.
This kitty needs further care, and I am so afraid he will get infected and die or something. It is bad enough that Linda has had to foot his vet bill this far. Linda's preteen daughter has fallen in love with the kitten, and declares passionately that his family doesn't DESERVE to have him! We all discuss this in a distanced tone, pretending to think she is a poor, sensitive child, who may be hurt by loving this cat, when really we all feel exactly the same . . .
Pray for my kitties. Our little furry friends have always held such a soft place in my heart.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Thank God for Small Blessings
Well, I had pretty much decided to throw in the towel. On what, I am not sure, but on something, because I find myself in one of those spots where just everything sucks. Selah had an ear infection, followed by bouts of teething, and now . . . ? Something involving continuing to wake up in the night crying, crying all day, napping badly, and generally refusing to eat, sleep, or do anything else that might make our live easier. Work is nuts, and one of the partners is planning to leave. I have no idea how we are going to make ends meet on the homefront. You know, just one of those every little thing, when it rains it pours kinds of deals.
Yesterday morning I came upon Selah helping herself to a bottle of children's tylenol. A phone call to the poison control center and fifteen minutes of hysterical shrieking (her--she wanted it back) later, I felt reassured, but tearful and shaken. Things only went uphill from there, such as when I tried to call Jeremy to tell him about it and discovered my cell phone wouldn't work.
As I was about to leave, to bike in to work, I found that my sister had sent me the seventh Harry Potter book. Then, when I got to the office, Jeremy was there to give me a hug and to take Selah away so I could work. These two things really got me through the day, I tell you!
Today I balanced on the cusp of feeling optimistic and on that of feeling down. Selah was happy and so cute here and there, greeing older ladies on the street and being a perfect angel when I took her into a store. It was great when I had babysitting for a morning, and just got to work with no one crying. She did only nap for about forty-five minutes, then cried inconsolably for thirty after that.
When Jeremy got home, we watched The Pursuit of Happyness. Overall, this should have been an uplifting movie. However, the fact that it was about a man, a father, struggling to make ends meet, being abandoned by his wife when financial struggles got too hard, eventually losing his housing, sleeping in a subway station and then a homeless shelter--well, I think it got to Jeremy. The fact that they were rich in the end may not have really made up for the horror of the rest of it. I think it was supposed to be a hard-work-pays-off kind of story; it seemed like a life-sucks-and-nobody-loves-you-but-your-poor-kid-when-you're-down kind of one.
Then I checked my email, and found three emails, all in a row. The first was from a trusted professor, reaffirming her (and thus my) faith in my editing ability. The second was from an author I work with, saying she would love to be a reference, and also would advertise my freelance services in several writers' newsletters she edits. This woman has always raved about how much I helped her and how good I made her look as a writer. The third was from someone whose book I rejected, thanking me for writing the most tactful rejection letter she had ever received.
It is astonishing how much those three unlooked-for affirmations rejuvenated me! I can do it! I don't have to quit everything and move to Hawaii, or make Selah dance for quarters on the sidewalk! I do love my job, and everything will be okay. Even if it's not today. And I guess that's okay.
Yesterday morning I came upon Selah helping herself to a bottle of children's tylenol. A phone call to the poison control center and fifteen minutes of hysterical shrieking (her--she wanted it back) later, I felt reassured, but tearful and shaken. Things only went uphill from there, such as when I tried to call Jeremy to tell him about it and discovered my cell phone wouldn't work.
As I was about to leave, to bike in to work, I found that my sister had sent me the seventh Harry Potter book. Then, when I got to the office, Jeremy was there to give me a hug and to take Selah away so I could work. These two things really got me through the day, I tell you!
Today I balanced on the cusp of feeling optimistic and on that of feeling down. Selah was happy and so cute here and there, greeing older ladies on the street and being a perfect angel when I took her into a store. It was great when I had babysitting for a morning, and just got to work with no one crying. She did only nap for about forty-five minutes, then cried inconsolably for thirty after that.
When Jeremy got home, we watched The Pursuit of Happyness. Overall, this should have been an uplifting movie. However, the fact that it was about a man, a father, struggling to make ends meet, being abandoned by his wife when financial struggles got too hard, eventually losing his housing, sleeping in a subway station and then a homeless shelter--well, I think it got to Jeremy. The fact that they were rich in the end may not have really made up for the horror of the rest of it. I think it was supposed to be a hard-work-pays-off kind of story; it seemed like a life-sucks-and-nobody-loves-you-but-your-poor-kid-when-you're-down kind of one.
Then I checked my email, and found three emails, all in a row. The first was from a trusted professor, reaffirming her (and thus my) faith in my editing ability. The second was from an author I work with, saying she would love to be a reference, and also would advertise my freelance services in several writers' newsletters she edits. This woman has always raved about how much I helped her and how good I made her look as a writer. The third was from someone whose book I rejected, thanking me for writing the most tactful rejection letter she had ever received.
It is astonishing how much those three unlooked-for affirmations rejuvenated me! I can do it! I don't have to quit everything and move to Hawaii, or make Selah dance for quarters on the sidewalk! I do love my job, and everything will be okay. Even if it's not today. And I guess that's okay.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Gratitude
Today in church, Luke Hendrix spoke. I tend to become highly suspicious when anyone but the lead pastor (in our case, Rick McKinley) speaks, as I become fairly accustomed to the style of sermon that I like to hear.
However, Luke did not let me down. Today's focus was on Imago's annual volunteer day--this year entitled "Love Portland. " (www.loveportland.org. Apparently loveportland.com is something QUITE different.)
When asked which was the most important commandement, Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Interestingly, we are also told, "Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare," in Jeremiah 29:7.
Anyway, Luke asked us to examine our hearts before volunteering for any of the projects on September 8th. It is true--too many people try to be perfect and serve their way into being so, eventually burning out, hurting people, etc. I somehow took away mostly just gratitude, that God loves us even if we don't understand it. Moreover, what touched me far beyond any of the rest of the sermon was this:
Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Jesus might ask us to love Him, but it is so much more peaceful than trying to do everything ourselves. Trying to control and constantly damage-control my life always makes me feel stressed and even despairing.
However, when I don't look for "the" solution to everything, marvelous things fall into my hand. Tonight, when we are having trouble finding food for ourselves, we are eating some lovely chard that a man was giving away from his garden right outside of the building. I have a friend who babysits for IOUs, and even has said we could simply babysit for her child-to-be down the road instead of paying her. We have been loaned everything from baby clothes to an excellent crib. All of these gifts came from people who love God, and therefore, for whatever reason, love us. :) We have wonderful families, friends, community, and a good house and jobs. We are healthy and we have each other. What is not to be grateful for? And I feel full, and ready to help others just for the joy of helping.
However, Luke did not let me down. Today's focus was on Imago's annual volunteer day--this year entitled "Love Portland. " (www.loveportland.org. Apparently loveportland.com is something QUITE different.)
When asked which was the most important commandement, Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Interestingly, we are also told, "Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare," in Jeremiah 29:7.
Anyway, Luke asked us to examine our hearts before volunteering for any of the projects on September 8th. It is true--too many people try to be perfect and serve their way into being so, eventually burning out, hurting people, etc. I somehow took away mostly just gratitude, that God loves us even if we don't understand it. Moreover, what touched me far beyond any of the rest of the sermon was this:
Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Jesus might ask us to love Him, but it is so much more peaceful than trying to do everything ourselves. Trying to control and constantly damage-control my life always makes me feel stressed and even despairing.
However, when I don't look for "the" solution to everything, marvelous things fall into my hand. Tonight, when we are having trouble finding food for ourselves, we are eating some lovely chard that a man was giving away from his garden right outside of the building. I have a friend who babysits for IOUs, and even has said we could simply babysit for her child-to-be down the road instead of paying her. We have been loaned everything from baby clothes to an excellent crib. All of these gifts came from people who love God, and therefore, for whatever reason, love us. :) We have wonderful families, friends, community, and a good house and jobs. We are healthy and we have each other. What is not to be grateful for? And I feel full, and ready to help others just for the joy of helping.
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